My Son, the Little Delinquent

We are expecting our tax return soon. Yay.

DH told DS1 that if he had a good (read well-behaved, productive) week at school and the check came, he could get a game or toy. So Friday comes and DS1 and DS2 get off the bus. DS1 says he had a great day. We were happy. There is nothing in his folder (well...it was Friday).

About 30 minutes later, the bus honks the horn outside. I go and the monitor hands me a science/vocabulary booklet of DS1's w/a note attached to it...."Finish for grade-refused to do in class". When confronted with it, DS1 claimed that he did not even know it was in his folder. I believe he left it on the bus on purpose.

There was also an email from the principal saying that DS1 pretended to sleep in class AND in his office, that he refused to do work in class, and when he got "recess detention" (they didn't let him have recess because of not finishing the work) he refused to do it then as well. DS1 was sent to the principal's office and did not follow directions: he got up when he was asked to sit down, got into things that did not belong to him, etc. The principal brought up the possibility of after-school detention if DS1 continued.

DH told DS1 that leaving things on the bus or at school would not do him any good for several reasons: the homework doesn't go away, it piles up; his teacher emails us every day with what he is supposed to be doing. DH also told him that if he refused to do work in class, he would get a spanking. If he further refused to do the work during recess detention he would get another spanking.

What am I going to do with this kid?

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Ooops.

1. I drink no more than one carbonated beverage a day.
Target Date: February 10, 2006
Reward: A "fancy" coffee (maybe in a shop, maybe some flavored ground for the home pot)

Doing ok on this one. Slipped when Chris brought home a case. My reasoning is faulty, though... Sure, if I only drink one the day he brings home the case, there will be none to have the next day because the rest of the family will go through the rest of the case. Some of this is because the kids will get one, put it down somewhere half-full and then forget and go back for another. What a waste.

2. Take a lesson from each boy each Saturday on one of their games.
Target Date: February 11, 2006
Reward: An artistic/spiritual breakout/retreat (i.e. some time alone)

I did not do this yesterday. That's why I gave myself two weekends, but perhaps I should revise the date until the 18th, so I can actually get two Saturdays in a row.

3. Read some scripture/spiritual text daily.
Target Date: February 12, 2006
Reward; A scrapbook to fill up. :)

I've caught snippets here and there but don't feel I can say I've been doing too well with this one. I like the idea of reading a scripture until you are "convicted" to stop and pray about something, but I worry I'm also using it as an excuse not to spend much regular time in the scriptures. One good thing is though, from the site where I read, the links turn colors as I get from one chapter to another so at least I have an idea of where I left off. I had a book irl, but then someone (I believe one of the children, innocently) tore pages out of it to the point where I could not tell what was what anymore.

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I was also trying to fit some BlogExplosion links on here, but they use java and as far as i know I cannot run a scrip on a free site here. :(

Time to get back on track

Here is a list of the goals I tried to do last month (with varying desgrees of success).

1. I do not drink carbonated beverages for one week
Target Date: January 19th 2006
Reward: A "fancy" coffee (maybe in a shop, maybe some flavored ground for the home pot)

2. Take a lesson from each son on their favorite computer/video game.
Target Date: January 17th 2006
Reward: Some time in the "bottoms" area (that's what they call a certain area of the farm) by the pond...to myself.

3. Catch up on my spiritual text reading.
Target Date: January 16th 2006
Reward: Two hours to work on my hand-made greeting cards.

I'm going to revise them:

1. I drink no more than one carbonated beverage a day.
Target Date: February 10, 2006
Reward: A "fancy" coffee (maybe in a shop, maybe some flavored ground for the home pot)

2. Take a lesson from each boy each Saturday on one of their games.
Target Date: February 11, 2006
Reward: An artistic/spiritual breakout/retreat (i.e. some time alone)

3. Read some scripture/spiritual text daily.
Target Date: February 12, 2006
Reward; A scrapbook to fill up. :)

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Updates

Well...I suck at follow-through on goals.

I was cleaning the kitchen floor and found some junk behind the curtains, amongs them a can of Coke. Before I knew it it was opened and I was sharing it with the kids. Then the next day Chris brought in a case of Coke. I folded faster than a M*A*S*H on bugout.

I did ok on the asking boys for explanations of their game. I did both boys and will try to make that a regular thing...they enjoy it so when I show interest in their hobbies.

I was caught up on Scriptures, but have fallen behind again.

I don't even remember what I said my rewards would be. Obviously I don't have to worry about remembering the one I would get for not drinking soda for a week. I feel I accomplished the 2nd goal and therefore would be able to spend some time making cards. This will be easier with the boys in public school. Once T is asleep of course. :) Color me embarrassed. That was the reward for the scripture reading goal. The one for the boys was some time alone in the bottoms area of the farm. And right now it's too wet!

Maybe I could change the goal for soda to one day, w/a proportionally smaller reward.

I was going to add something else topic-wise today, but I don't remember now what it is. Maybe later.

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Friday, January 13th, 2006

Well, I had gone into Chapter 2 of the book with more goals at the end. So I decided to just not do that until my other goals were either complete or one or two days at most from completion.

Goal #1: We have no money, so not having the soda was doable. Luckily there is still coffee. Caffeine will be my next "food" addiction to tackle. Overall performance: So far, so good!

Goal #2: Getting instruction from boys on their video games. I thought I would start with Ben as he was the one who wanted to show me in the first place. He showed me some basic things about moving around in the LOTR game and then set me down to play Sauron (?) and my evil forces squashed the good guys. Brian wanted to show me things too, but my head was bursting by that point, so I'm afraid Mommy wasn't a very good student in 2nd period. :p Overall performance: Fair

Goal #3: I have gotten about half-caught up on my scripture reading. I want to be done in two days. Overall performance: So far, so good.

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Balancing My Life - Chapter I

This is all taken from the following book: Balancing Your Life

The Lady Learns to Balance

The first part of this chapter proposes that there are 3 areas in women's lives that need balancing: body, mind and spiritual lives. Order of prevalence in my life is: mind, spirit, body. An example from the book was that women who are out of balance tipped into the mind area is that they can read more than one book at a time. That's me...definitely. I think before acting. While that is not necessarily a bad thing, waiting too long to act is...and that is where I "fall".

I've been working on the spiritual life for some time now, but for the most part haven't reached that "quantum" level necessary for me to act. Some people don't have this problem. Their spiritual life IS action. Not so for me. I think if Wikipedia were to have an entry for "sedentary" my picture would be there. What I eat is not balanced. My time resting vs acting is not balanced. Some of this may be explained by the depression. It's getting to the point that being out of bed for long periods of time is really a chore. And if you have not been there yourself, or been close to someone who has been there...don't even say "oh, just get over it" because you have no idea what you are talking about.

The author asks what adjustments can I make in these areas to slowly bring myself into balance? As I am fond of lists...I will make a list of 5 things I can do in each area:

Mental:
1. Turn off the tv.
2. Learn something about the games my boys play so that I can relate more to that area of their lives.
3. Read things that will help me increase the emphasis on the other two areas (body, spiritual life).
4. Get out of my depression rut (by meds, counseling, nutrition, etc.)
5. Circulate my books via Bookcrossers.

Body:
1. Decrease/stop consumption of carbonated beverages (especially since Coke is discontinuing Vanilla Coke! BOOO!)
2. Eat balanced meals (we do mostly carb/protein).
3. Get regular exercise.
4. Have regular healthcare visits.
5. Get blood pressure under control.

Spirit:
1. Attend spiritual services regularly (i.e. interact with other people)
2. Read spiritual texts and find answers to questiongs.
3. Have time for personal prayer/meditation daily.
4. Do more service for others.
5. Go on a retreat.

THE SEE-SAW APPROACH
See yourself whole
Eat right and exercise
Expand your horizons
See the Spirit in Everything
Shift Your Attitude
Be Wise

The three that I need most right now are "See yourself whoe", "Eat right and exercise" and "Shift your attitude". They are also the 3 that I think will be most difficult for me to achieve. Now am I willing to walk the walk? I would like to think so. But only time will tell. Although I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. And if I could live through that last job and all the walking I can do this too. (I went around and picked out orders for an online retailer and walked about 15 miles per shift. What kept me going was a combination (dare I say a balance) of "Don't let the b*****d win", "We will overcome" and "His strength is made perfect in my weakness".

HOW DO I SEE MY LIFE WHEN I WILL BE BALANCED?
I put it that way on purpose, since my life is not balanced at the moment.

Now that my life is balanced, I wake up enthusiastic about the new day. I wake up before the rest of the family to have a little time for my inner self and then wake the family with hugs. We prepare meals together and then go about our various "jobs" for the day, be it school, employment, being together or worship. Disagreements happen, but are momentary. We are a family and enjoy being together. As we once were on the receiving end, now we are on the giving end...and the balance feels good. If one has a problem, s/he is helped by the rest of the family, physically, mentally or in spirit...or all 3.

She also asks for 3 goals. I decided to make them small enough to be accomplished in about a week, as each chapter of the book asks for goals. So here are mine:

1. I do not drink carbonated beverages for one week
Target Date: January 19th 2006
Reward: A "fancy" coffee (maybe in a shop, maybe some flavored ground for the home pot)

2. Take a lesson from each son on their favorite computer/video game.
Target Date: January 17th 2006
Reward: Some time in the "bottoms" area (that's what they call a certain area of the farm) by the pond...to myself.

3. Catch up on my spiritual text reading.
Target Date: January 16th 2006
Reward: Two hours to work on my hand-made greeting cards.

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Part II

6. I resolve to learn new self-help techniques to supplement my current treatment.
My current treatment is quite limited. No meds, can't afford them. Can't get on Medicaid until I get copies of birth certificates for two youngest children. Can hardly make it out the door for job search some days. Self-help at the moment consists of giving myself "time outs" when I get too crabby or going to Mamaw's for coffee and gossip. :P

I have some self-help books. Finding them would be a good mini-goal. Perhaps getting some church-based counseling would be an option. Getting money for the birth certs might work too.

I went back to church last Sunday. It felt good. The pianist in the women's group was not there, and I offered to "right hand" the hymns for them. There's all kind of help they can give that we (desperately) need right now, but I did not want to go in and say "Hi, I'm new. I need help."

7. I resolve to make time for activities I enjoy rather than focusing on how I feel all the time.
I suck at this one. I have bought supplies to make cards and scrapbook numerous times since our arrival in kentucky, but have rarely actually gotten around to using them. Mostly the kids get into it and scatter and destroy. This does not do a lot for my happiness.

I resolve to get the dang table cleared off tonight so I can do some crafty-type things. I also resolve to make a "date with myself" each week for similar activities.

8. I resolve to communicate with others who have anxiety disorders so I will feel less alone.
I have a lot of online contacts, but am not especially active in the depression (etc) groups. I could resolve to visit them at least once every other day and to find a local irl group.

9. I resolve to praise myself each day for my strength and courage in the face of a difficult disorder.
Well, they mention looking yourself in the mirror each day. I do have a small mirror in a compact, but that is it. FIL's wife had gotten me one for Xmas for the bathroom, but that was broken the day after we got it home. I'll deal with the compact for now, but in two weeks I want to have a 8x10 mirror in the house again.

10. I resolve to take control of my well-being, to never give up, and to keep seeking answers until I am well again.
I think this is already done. If I didn't give up that first Saturday at Amazon, I won't give up at just about anything. But that's a story for another day.

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Resolutions for people with Anxiety Disorder(s)

Here is the link!

It goes to an article of the same/similar name on About.com. I have never been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, but it seemed like it could be good advice for chronic depression as well.

So, their top ten were:

1. I resolve to get out of my treatment rut.
My own personal treatment rut is running out of money and not being able to afford the anti-depressant medication Effexor. I took 300 mg per day, which is roughly double the "normal" dosage and 75 mg/day more than the county folks "maximum dosage". We also have to struggle with each new insurance company saying it's too high and higher than the manufacturer's recommendation. Then I get even more depressed and withdrawn and it takes my husband arguing with and almost threatening the insurance company in order to get their "ok".

Even when we had regular insurance, sometimes the $30 co-pay was too much. Considering our even more precarious position now, that seems incredible to me. We've paid for two months cash and the price was about $230!

My brother was supposed to have sent a check from him and my mother for Christmas. Granted he is a busy man, but he still has not mailed it. I called him today, just to make sure it hadn't been sent and gotten taken out of the mailbox.

My goal after reciving the check is to send to Fort Worth for Ben's and T's birth certificates so that I can get on whatever's left of Medicaid after the highly paid elected representatives gutted it, and get back on Effexor until we get some sort of other regular, affordable insurance plan. And for those who may be turning up their nose at a prospective welfare recipient, I was working a job from an agency, caught the flu at the warehouse where I had been placed and spread it to my whole family. Due to the time off I had to take, I was "let go" from that assignment. And if you think that is over-embellishment, I will be happy to show you the pictures of vomit-laden blanket and bedsheet piles that grew for a week as fast as we could keep them washed. (My, that was a vivid image, wasn't it?)

I guess I should be grateful that even if I go back, I do go forward at times too. I resolve to change the ratio in favor of steps forward in 2006.

2. I resolve to seek professional help if I haven't already.
I don't have a problem asking for help in this area. I first saw a LCSW in my early twenties when my mother offered to pay because she could only reason that I was crazy because I did not agree with her. That's as close an explanation as I can determine. But she badgered the therapist about telling her what was wrong with me. She was told that therapist-patient confidentiality prevent her from doing that. Ok, so that gave me a giggle.

Like, I said above ... when the money comes I will send to Fort Worth for Ben and T's certificates, which will enable me to apply for Medicaid.

3. I resolve to ask family and friends for help and encouragement.
Family and friends, yes. Anyone else, forget it. I feel like Chris's father's family would be concerned, almost as much for me as for the children, but they would be supportive even to the point of driving me to appointments if I was having a difficult day. Chris (DH) himself is usually quite helpful, watching the kids when my brains are going to seep out (just kidding!), KWIM?

Due to circumstances which include his mother trying to get custody on a groundless basis about 5 years ago, I feel MUCH MORE hesitant even mentioning the word depression to his mother's side of the family. But people who live in glass houses, you know...and that's all I will say about that one at this time.

And let's not even go into CPS, especially the "bad cops". We came up with that term for the self-righteous aggressive agents among them who believe any accusation presented to them and will threaten to bring around the police to force their way into your home. (Man, am I digressing or what? But I'm on a roll.) In our last encounter (when we were reported by someone who has paranoid schizophrenia) we encountered both good cops and bad cops. However I would not even tell the good cops about the depression.

4. I resolve to build a support system rather than relying on only one family member or friend.
I worry that I rely too much on Mamaw for this. She is so conveniently close. But she is 83 years old and she doesn't need to hear all my crap. But she will listen when I need it and that is such a blessing.

Aside from that and the therapy, I am in several online groups in regards to issues of depression and related disorders and can find some good support there. I would like also to have some IRL mutual support, possibly church-based, but that's not a requirement.

5. I resolve to take care of my body because the health of my body affects my entire being.
That was one good thing the walking did at Amazon. It was wrong to start out going from sedentary to 15 miles of walking per day. But by the 3rd and 4th weeks the walking was easier...at least I did not feel like I had to say to myself "I will NOT let the b*****d get me down". It had smoothed into a "dang, I can't wait to get home and get out of these shoes!'

Nutrition is really the area where I need work. I drink far too much caffeine and carbonated beverages. I have far to many empty calories as part of my "diet". Some of this will be encouraging my family to eat healthier. DH is meat and taters and not too many taters. Granted his plate is full when we eat, but there is only chicken (like 2-3 chicken breast halves)...no potatoes, no corn, nuttin'. I was looking at his profile in the hallway yesterday when the power went out and I thought he looked like he was a pregnant woman. I don't say this to belittle him, I say it out of concern, and since I am overweight myself I'm not pointing fingers at anyone else that aren't also pointing at me...which is quite a nice trick when you think about it..

So my resolution in this area is to cut down my caffeine/soda consumption to 12 oz per day (it's probably closer to 60-72 oz right now) and to follow the Large Family Logistics meal plan so at least five of our meals during a week are balanced.

*****

The rest of the ideas I'll cover tomorrow. This is already kind of long.

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Christmas and Depression

I had a rough day on December 23rd, crying more than I have in a while. I slept hard in an afternoon nap and things seemed a little better in the evening. I so wanted to have some Christmas Spirit for the lunch at Papaw's on the 24th. That went ok.

Then on Christmas Day, my mood took another nose dive, even worse than two days previous. Our phones were messed up. No one in the area could call outside of the local calling area, so internet was out as was my ability to call my mother in California or my brother in Utah for the holiday. Chris kept saying that he didn't think they would be able to do anything about it until Monday. I told him I was hoping and praying for a Christmas miracle.

"Lo and behold" (sorry, couldn't resist) in the evening of Christmas Day...the area/regional cable that was the problem was fixed. When I heard the modem connection noise I shouted out "CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!" from the back room, where I was attempting to put Trinity down for a nap.

And now, with this budget crap that the government has foisted on us, getting my Effexor med back is going to be even harder. The future looks kind of bleak right now.

I know there are some who may be reading this who think "Oh, just get over yourself." This person / these people have obviously never dealt with a medical problem involving an imbalance of chemicals somewhere in the body. I can't magically do anything about this depression anymore than a diabetic can magically cure him or herself. Even my mother thinks "it's all in my head". Well, duh!

My Little Scrooge-Monsters

I don't believe none of the rest of the family is up yet. Brian was up yesterday morning at 5:30. Trinity usually perks up at about 7 am and here it is almost 8! Woohoo! Maybe it's their Christmas gift to me. :)

Speaking of Christmas, I am very concerned about how materialistic the kids are. They think the main purpose of going to a store is to get them toys or dvd's or games, and if there's money left over for things like food, something for mom and dad, dog food, otc medicines...you get the idea. Gasoline does receive somewhat of a priority from them because if we don't have gas, we can't get to the store! *sigh*

They have just about been choked with toys and presents in the last month and still they want more. Chris's mom came to visit from California. They got one or two coats apiece, each a BIG toy, a couple of small ones, were taken out to eat countless times. You see, Brian's birthday was on Dec 1, so each child got a present for that, then she bought them Christmas at the same time, then there's always a "guilt" present. Then came Brian's actual birthday and he got things from Chris's dad (who lives here - they're both remarried to other people), from us and from my mother and brother. Ben and T got some things too - so they wouldn't feel left out.

If they got money in the mail today they would want to go buy something today. Nevermind that the family Christmas celebration is Saturday afternoon (I know, Christmas is Sunday, but when FIL offers to make the meal...I DON'T QUIBBLE! *LOLI) "But MOM," they would whine, "that's THREE WHOLE DAYS!"

I need to find a good way to teach them to be more giving, less selfish, and to think of others ahead of themselves. Trinity I expect a little of that, but she's only 2. Brian and Ben are the problem. If anyone happens to read this and has something that has worked (that is legal, ethical and non-abusive), please let me know?

Thanks! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

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