First Withdrawal Dream

Dreams are hard enough to remember without it being a withdrawal from Effexor dream. But I know that is a possibility with Effexor, so they haven't been as bad this time. It seems I just get going on a good stretch of access to the med, then we run out of money or insurance. Even in Texas, when it was only $30 per month due to insurance from my job, occasionally we would run out because there would be no money for the co-pay. Then we moved to Kentucky and with no job was no insurance.

Chris called our doctor in Texas and he called in a refill to the Walmart pharmacy in Stanford (either there or Somerset) and we were able to get it there. But the cash price w/o insurance for a month's supply was like $228. We could do that once.

Anyway...onto the dream.

It was like a soap opera starring "No Survivors" crackheads. The dream took place in an apartment building. People were lying, cheating, backstabbing, and yes, KILLING other people. Too much time has passed to remember a lot of detail, but I didn't think to put it down before now. Oh well.

Anyhow, one of the tenants was stealing from another tenant. I knew about it and didn't say anything. There wasn't time really, but that is probably beside the point. I say that because I figured I might as well pick up some stuff myself. And I did. And I'm having a guilt trip over that right now. The person from whom the things were stolen took exception to this treatment, and went about looking for her stuff.

***MISC NOTE: All the people in this dream were women. What does that mean? Are they facets of my own personality maybe?***

I don't think she found any of if on my, but somehow she knew I had some of it.

Then she and the other woman who had been doing the taking in the first place "had it out". There was a spot where one of them went out a back door and along a wall or fence until it turned a corner. it was like in the movie...you just KNEW the other one was waiting out of sight around the corner, and you just KNEW the one inside had to walk to that corner, and you just KNEW what would happen when she did. Well, she #2 was, She#1 did and one of them didn't make it back.

That scene was basically repeated with the "mark" and me. I just HAD to walk out that back door and to the corner. But I looked back just before I left the door and *WHAM* the "mark" was there and came after me. She might have been dead, I'm just not sure.

I hate withdrawal dreams. *sigh*

Belief #1: My Past Mistakes will follow me the rest of my life

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The following quotations are taken from a worksheet compiled for a telecourse that was offered by Marie Roker of http://www.thinkandbesuccessful.com Visit her site. She is GREAT!

QUOTE:
So you made a few mistakes in your life and now you believe that you are condemned for life. Mistakes or errors in judgment are learning experiences. However, you will not learn anything from them if you carry them around like a scarlet letter. By condemning yourself, you continue to live in pain. By allowing your past to haunt you, you are not giving yourself the opportunity to make peace with yourself. It’s time to forgive yourself and let it go.

What have you done in your past that you are ready to let go of and find peace?
END QUOTE

One of the things from my past that I have had a difficult time getting past, was the time I was dishonest with someone I barely knew...and wound up cheating her. This happened more than 20 years ago.

A thought just popped into my head: maybe she knew "where I was at the time" and intended things to turn out the way they did. This may be true, or it may be my attempt to rationalize away what I did. I am reminded of the Friar and Jean Valjean in Les Miserables. The Friar took him in and when Jean stole from him and was caught, the Friar said that he had given permission for take the items he did and that he also had forgotten some things. This changed the course of Jean's life.

But really, can I do anything about what I did, to move on?

I cannot repay the original person I wronged. I saw her only once. She has probably gotten past the incident long ago. I pray that she has.

So, if I have repented (and I think I have)...and I have confessed (I have in prayer and I have here, now)...how can I make restitution, which I believe would be the next/final step in moving on?

I can do something charitable for someone who was either: in the position I was at that time, or in the position this woman was at that time. I can help a single woman who is basically "alone" in some concrete way, or I can help a newlywed (?) woman whose husband is away from home through a job, etc.... like making a meal, or babysitting for some alone time for her...

Keep my eyes out for this.

QUOTE:
How has holding on to this regret affected your life?
ENDQUOTE

Holding on to this regret has left some part of me in the past of 20 years ago. How can I commit to things in th here and now when part of me is stuck in another space-time contiuum (sp)? It has also caused me to feel badly about myself, like I am unworthy of success because I did something "wrong" at a prior time in my life. It has been a little scar on my soul that has festered for 20 years - foul smelling, rotting and DANG AM I REALY TO GET RID OF IT!

QUOTE:
What are you willing to accept about this regret?
END QUOTE

That it happened, and that I can never pay it back...but I can pay it forward, as the saying goes. I can dig out the rot, clean out the wound, apply anti-biotic ointment and a nice Dora the Explorer bandage (from my daughter) and finally let it heal. I feel better already.

My response to a post in TNJ forum at Ryze

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QUOTE:

WEAKNESS IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. RATHER, IT IS SOMETHING TO BE WORKED ON.

UNQUOTE

SO TRUE, Julie!

I have chronic/clinical depression and take a dosage of Effexor (dr recommended) that is so high that the insurance companies (2 so far) refuse to 'authorize' it until my DH calls up and 'persuades' them.

There are some people who get 'holier-than-thou' about it, like I should be able to get over it without medication. But the way I see it the problem is a chemical imbalance in my brain. It is a medical condition not all that unlike diabetes or high blood pressure, which "they" don't suggest can be 'gotten over' so easily.

Whatever! *LOL*

Ten years ago, I could not have said that. I would have retreated from each confrontation into a dark bedroom and drawn a blanket over my head.

I got 'help' for my condition. The meds help, definitely. Would I like to be able to STOP taking them. You bet! Now is just not the right time.

The other big change is that I went to the local Women's Center for employment help and wound up getting counseling and learned some ways to deal with my feelings. My self-image is way better than it used to be. It can still use improvement, but now I know it's possible.

Anyway, that's my thought of the day. WAHOO! :D

New Day

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Well, the sun is up and the fog has cleared away. I actually had about an hour to myself this morning which was GLORIOUS! Now the kids are dogpiling in the living room and I've got to get up and get them reading. Ah, the life of a mom...wouldn't trade it for all the "success" in the world!

Gradually, I'm learning more and more about this blogging thing and banner/link exchanges etc etc etc.

I went last week to apply for "welfare". DH says he has a job starting on September 3rd. I want to give him that chance to be the breadwinner for the first time in 6 years. But I'm not going to wait around for the money to come in again...and wait...and wait. We qualified for 'expedited' food benefits and the card arrived yesterday, with about 2-3 times as much $$$ on it as I had figured we'd get.

I realize this will make some people look down on me...but they've probably never had to wonder where their children's next meal is coming from. Or apologize for feeding them spaghetti or ramen for the 4th time in a week.

Getting a job for me is not the problem. Before we moved I had been working steadily for more than 6 years, first as a waitress, then as a transcriptionist/coder/report taker for the FWPD. I worked all three shifts. I had a baby during my last job and had to go back to work so my family could eat...and leave my preemie daughter of about 4 lbs at home without me. I used a breastpump in the ladies' room at work during my breaks, THAT was wierd. I got an extension cord, sat in a stall w/the door closed and pumped away so that my daughter would have breastmilk to help her grow.

If you just HAVE to judge me, that is your problem.

Ooooh, I'm a little touchy this morning, apparently. :) Did I mention that I have clinical depression and am down to my last Effexor? DH says his job has insurance with immediate benefit (no waiting 30 days, blah blah blah) and that would be good. With just a copay on this med at my old job, it cost us $30 for a month of my Effexor. Last time we had to pay cash, $220! *faint*

I added a link for Surf 4 the Earth. It's a way to build traffic to a blog or business/cause website. Check it out. It's actually kind of fun. :)

By George, I think i've got it!

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I'm trying to get the above web address and an accompanying button onto the site so people can go vote for my fabulous blog here. Can't seem to make it work.

have an "external link" listed to the right, but it does not have a long enough space for the url to incorporate my bloggies id, which of course, is the whole point of that particular link.

If anyone sees this and has constructive ideas for this relative newbie, please let me know?

***

that's what I wrote just a moment ago, but I've tried a couple of things and I think it'll work now! Holding my breath until I hit enter.

Links so Far

I thought I'd put in a little blurb about the links I have going off-site.

The first, of course, is the link to my Tupperware site. If you are looking to buy some Tupperware online, or to hold and online party, or are looking for a good part-time to full-time job, feel free to contact me there!

CoolText.com is where I got the Banner Logo for my site. They have all different kinds of fonts and backgrounds from which to choose. It was the first thing I thought of when I "discovered" I could change the stock title to a cool one more in line with the theme of my blog.

The Hunger Site. Where else can you do something nice for someone at no cost to you? Have you every been hungry and didn't know where your next meal was coming from? I have. It sucks. Take a minute and go click there and at there sister sites. Thank you.

The First 18 years

I know, I know...it's not that scary actually. I don't have 18 years of a resume to put in here. *LOL* I wish.

I dont' really know what made me acting-mad, but that's how I wound up. I was in several skits and play-lets in elementary school and Girl Scouts. In 3rd grade, I was understudy to Angel #3 in the pageant. I still remember that morning, hoping against hope that Angel #3 was there, because I hadn't memorized the lines. She was. In the Scout skit, which I think was based on "It's a Small World", I played a German boy in lederhosen (hey, it was Girl Scouts) and a Geisha, complete with horridly fake black yarn wig. *LOL*

I started taking classes in 'drama' in jr high school. The only thing I really remember from that time period was a lip sync to a tape of a performance of whatever came after the original airing of an episode of "Upstairs, Downstairs". It was about a French maid and was slightly "naughty", but nothing beyond what Jr High School morality was in Utah at the time.

I tried out for two plays in highschool. The first was "Guys and Dolls". It was between me and a girl by name of Nola Campbell (then) for the part of the Salvation Army General. I was too scared to go for the callback. The second play was supposed to be King Lear. Mr Stokoe kept having me and a girl named Shannon go back and forth between the parts of Goneril and Regan, like he couldn't figure out which one of us should be in which part. In the end, we didn't do King Lear but "Lazarus Laughed". She got one of the female leads. I got the role of "a Roman citizen", "a Hebrew" and Lazarus's mother.

Lazarus's family was killed by Roman soldiers. At the "death scene", we did the 'sword under the upstage arm' ploy. Well, in one of the rehearsals, my soldier was rather energetic, and didn't exactly clear my body. It wasn't a real sword, of course, (thank God!), but I did a WONDERFUL collapse and death during that rehearsal.

It was also during rehearsals for that play that my father died at the age of 47 from heart disease.

I majored in Musical Theatre with an Acting Emphasis my first year at the University of Utah. I was too timid to audition for anything. :( I really enjoyed the dance classes, though. I felt halfway elegant in ballet, but a little intimidated in jazz and tap. Although once in tap class, the instructgor demonstrated something for us all to do. I was about halfway through the line. Every other student did it slightly differently, coming down on a different beat than he had. I waffled as to whether or not to do it that way, or to do it the way I thought it should be done. After all, most of the class was dance majors. But I did it my way and when everyone was through, the instructor said, "Every student did that wrong...except one." I tried hard not to preen; I hope I succeeded.

Since I didn't have the gumption to even ask someone to be my audition for the pass or fail end of the year audition, I would up with a 2nd year voice student, who naturally picked a scene that would show off her talented voice. That audition was two weeks before the first year audition. Just before going on, one of the teacher's came back and said that they had discussed things, and would just use that as my audition too. Way to give me time to psych up for it.

I still remember the comment on my sheet by one of the teachers..."No future in theatre. Find another line of work." OUCH! Part of me had enough sense to go say that I didn't think it was fair to spring the audition on me that day, to which they agreed. But then I didn't even go to the first year audition.

The next year, I switched from Musical Theatre to Acting, but the damage had been done. I wound up changing to business and eventually just stopped going altogether. It was a big disappointment to my mother.

The Move to Texas

We moved from Utah to Texas just before Labor Day in 1997. Chris had family there (two aunts on his mother's side), and he thought he could get work there in computers. We figured one day from SLC to Albuquerque and the next day from there to Fort Worth. We left at about 7:00 am from SLC in front of my mother's house. There is a picture of the U-Haul w/the car being towed behind. I hoped Brian wouldn't be too cramped in his car seat. I felt bad there wasn't a back seat in the truck to put him in. I know, U-Hauls are not noted for creature comforts, but worrying about things about which I could do nothing was my specialty at the time. I also assured my mother that we were not moving from Utah simply to get away from her. (Now you know where I got it.)

Well, by the time it was midnight that night, we were still in Colorado I think. We did make it to Albuquerque...at 2am the following day, not at about 7:00 pm as we had hoped. We CRASHED until about 10 am and then continued.

We stopped for gas just inside of Texas and I purchased my first of many lottery tickets. At lunchtime we were in A*** and I had my first taste of Pancho's Mexican food. I got to tell them it was my first time, like the sign there said, and they were like "No...really?" I guess EVERYBODY who lives in Texas has eaten at Pancho's at one time or another. That and Whataburger.

By dinnertime it was obvious we would have either to stay over another night somewhere or have a really late night arrival in Fort Worth. I want to say we stopped in Childress, but it could've been Wichita Falls. We called Chris's Uncle Johnny and let him know we would be another day, as we were feeling tired and thought it best. I guess part of me wondered why Chris wanted me to call when it was his uncle. Anyway his mother was there, having flown in from California.

We stopped at a K-Mart because I thought I might be preggers and I wanted to get a home test. I tried it at the motel and it came back negative. The motel room had a king-size bed, so we stuck Brian in between us and kipped down.

When we got to Chris's Aunt Rose's house, his maternal grandfather's motor home was parked out front. We had to go down a street or two and turn around so we would be on the right side of the street and pointing the right way and not blocking (too) many people. I thought there were a lot of cars there for just us...but it was kind of nice.

Later that afternoon, we learned that "Jennifer" was coming over with her family to meet Sheila and Eddie. Jennifer is the daughter of Sheila and Eddie. Sheila had gotten pregnant as a teen and was forced to give up the baby. Through Jennifer's efforts online and off, she was able to track Sheila down and the "reunion" was arranged. Meeting at Rose's seemed like neutral enough territory for this to happen.

Things went well. Lots of people took lots of pictures and we met Jennifer, Jeff (her husband - who btw makes his own wine and root beer) and they children Nick and Kayla. Kayla was a little bundle of atomic energy; Nick was quiet by comparison. They were all so nice that I felt bad for being a tiny bit jealous that they were taking "our spotlight" in meeting the family on the same day we had arrived.

I don't remember if it was that day or the next that most of our stuff was taken to a U-Haul storage place while we lived with Aunt Rose for what would turn into 2 months. Apparently they had been given the impression that I just about had a job lined up for me when I got to Texas and that we would be there for maybe a week...like just long enough to find an apartment.

I also remember Chris's mother waking us up the next morning and telling us that Princess Diana had been killed. I wound up getting up wa-a-ay early later in the week to watch the funeral on tv. I liked the comments made by her brother that their should be no rush to "canonize" her (memory). She was, after all, flesh and blood. I thought it telling that her brother was in the middle of the line of family men who walked behind the casket...going I think Prince Phillip, Prince William, Count Althorp (sp), Prince Harry and Prince Charles.

At one point Chris went for an interview at Warrentech. I walked around the office complex with Brian in his stroller while we waited. There was a sign for "Fort Worth Mission" and I figured it must be for the LDS Church. It helped to ease a little pang of homesickness to go and check. Well it was for the LDS Church. I left my name with the missionaries and they said they would have the bishop of the area we were going to live in contact us.

Brian and I went out to meet Chris for lunch one day and we went to the Mid-Cities Pancho's. There our very attentive, very accomplished and very gay waiter told us that Brian was cute and that we needed another little boy for him to have a brother. Little did he know that I had taken the 2nd home pregnancy test which showed to be positive.

The Door Opens

I don't know what happened to my other blog. But a new home can mean a new blog, right? So why "My OLD Kentuck Home"? Because my husband's father's (and mother's) families are from this area...for generations. He was born here, and spent a good deal of 38 years trying to get home. Now we're here.

His "Mamaw" lives next door. His father is about 10 minutes away by foot, or 5 minutes by 4-wheeler or car. As is an uncle of his. The other uncle is 15 minutes away, through town to the north. In fact, I think we're related to about half the county through one parent or another.

We moved from Texas 2 months ago. We spent 8 years there. I'm sure more will come out on that later. Before that I lived in Utah for 27 years. That's where we met face to face for the first time. All these ideas are popping into my head, but as I titled this blog what I did, I thought a good base description of "our old Kentucky home" would be apropos.

"Papaw"'s family have been tobacco farmers for generations. I really couldn't tell you how long. But tobacco is no longer a government subsidized crop, nor is it "pc" anymore. And there are various health problems amongst the 3 brothers (age 50 or so and above - the oldest turned 65 a couple of weeks ago)...so this hasn't really been a working "farm" for a few years.

There is a good sized garden where we have been able to enjoy fresh tomatos, cantaloupe, watermelon, green onions, and cabbage since we got here. There is a peach tree in Mamaw's yard, as well as numerous wild berry bushes: blueberries, raspberries, black berries, and elderberries to name a few. Right by the house is a huge black walnut tree. All the walnut hulls (not sure about that term) are still green and closer to fall will turn black and fall off the tree. Then they will be ready to eat.

I got to sit with Mamaw a couple of weeks ago and crack walnuts while sitting on her carport. We upended a piece of log she has there, placed a walnut on the flat surface and whacked it with a hammer! And let me tell you, I now KNOW where the term "tough nut to crack" comes from. Those shells were H-A-R-D!

Suffice it to say that Kentucky is a lot greener than Texas was ... at least the part where we lived. There are more trees on the family land here than in our whole neighborhood in the city. We can let the kids play outside without being with them 100% of the time. We can leave things out in the yard and not have to worry (so much) about them disappearing overnight. The shopkeepers know us and our family and usually one of them will give our kids "a taste" of the newest icee flavor...and you wave at whoever passes you while on the road.

I am indeed "home".